My Thoughts in Colours

I fancy buying lead and coloured pencils, as well as coloured chalks.  When I don't like my mind to work so hard, I just  use them and the results are my thought processes revealed in contoured, confused and coloured lines.

The Highest Compliment my Significant Other Paid Me

me in the natural state

me adulterated by make up

Most of the past girl friends of my significant other have long, straight and blonde hair. That's why I am always inclined to feel insecure. 

I know in my right senses that it is foolish to feel insecure on the basis of my outward appearance.  Being a Christian, I know it is written in the Bible that God looks at the heart. Furthermore,  I have known since I was a teen that God's word says that one's beauty does not come from the outward adornment such as braided hair and wearing of gold jewellery and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

Since I started working in the laboratory where I dealt with my experimental organisms more rather than people I had not focused much on the kind of clothes I wear and for that matter on fixing myself in general.  This had been so for really long years.

However since  my significant other  came to my life, I'd say I have always made an effort to fix myself.  Particularly, I started to wear skirts and dresses and court shoes, instead of wearing jeans and runners.  I am not in the habit of  putting  on make up, however, as shown in this photo, not particularly in the eye.  As I tend to have allergic reactions to some stuff, I am not in the habit of putting on eye make up because I always think that the chemical in the cosmetic may pose some hazard to my well-being in general (even if I use hypo or nonallergenic Clinique).


When my significant other saw this photo when a friend tagged this on my timeline on facebook, he made a lengthy commentary on our phone conversation which basically aired his displeasure in me wearing make up.  I was upset.  Why? because while most of the people who saw me like this said I look beautiful and even encouraged me to be like this all the time,  I could not remember the last time he paid me a compliment.

I  moaned deep inside because instead of hearing the compliment I expect, all I got was some kind of lengthy and stressful remarks.

As I slept after that stressful phone conversation, however, I remember the compliment he paid me--which any other woman would love to hear I believe--he had told me not just once ,but oftentimes that I am ten thousand times better than any of the past women or even those he'll ever meet.

Yes, I agree with him 110%. I know I can confidently say that I am absolutely faithful to him.  I live a quiet life doing my house and garden chores, study and write in between these.

Dwelling on this, I went to bed and slept soundly.

I See my Father in Me

My late father had a strong bond with soil from time immemorial. For him, soil is more than dirt. For him,  it is one of the essentials to life, the surface of Mother Earth where plants grow and where every living thing gets food for survival. 

Since I was a kid, I had seen my father worked with soil to grow vegetables and fruit trees that ended on our  food table.  The effort he put in achieving this was not easy.  As the soil in our backyard was poor, I had seen him worked hard and diligently towards its improvement.  To make vegetable patch, my father regularly added organic matter to this  area in our backyard by shredding leaves, vegetable refuse and also chicken manure (ie as he also raised chicken). Hence  the soil in our backyard over time  turned from a sandy soil to loamy soil that was perfect for gardening.

Thus, even if I had lived in the city of Manila where evergreens or other plants were technically scare, I was surrounded with trees and more trees and also vegetable greens, reds and yellows which made me feel I was out in the country.  In our backyard were narra (Pterocarpus indicus), fire , acacia and agoho (Casuarina equisitifolia)  trees.  We also had guava, santol (Sandoricum koetjape), caimito (Chrysophyllum cainito), chico (Achras zapota) and aratelis fruit trees.  We also grew batao, snake beans, sweet potato, yam and tomatoes.

When I had my own house built in the Metromanila, my surrounding changed in respect to the green areas around me, basically because of scarcity of earth as my brother and I had two separate houses built in only one block of land.  As I had a career in entomological research then, I did not have, nor did my brother have the opportunity to bond with the soil as our father did.  

As my father however, was always there for us, we still were able to set our eyes to rest them on green plants which he planted in our property.  In front of our property were coconut trees.  Inside our small yard were malunggay, guava and balimbing (star fruit) trees

When I migrated in Australia and bought a house with a considerably huge land area in respect to the number of people in it,  I also developed a bonding with the soil, but only at a later stage.  The previous owners apparently did not have the passion for vegetable gardening or fruit growing.  The soil was heavy clay.  My father was still around then so in the early stage of my living in it, it was my father who worked towards improving the soil and planting vegetables and fruit trees..

I could have continued what my father started in my block of land without any difficulty had the tradespeople who did my house and driveway did not use my garden soil in mixing the concrete materials.

 

As my father went to be with the Lord after living a full and meaningful 83 years, I was left alone to work in my yard.   Each day as I put in my best efforts towards gardening I could not help but see my father in me as I regularly add dry leaves, vegetable refuse and other organic matter to make my clay soil loamy and also as I plant vegetables in season, flowering plants or fruit trees year after year,  

It hailed....

Hail stones from a nearby suburb where a friend lives

My front yard after the hail storm

Since I had lived in Australia, I couldn’t remember the number of times Sydney had hail-, sand- ,dust-, and windstorm and also flooding rains.  It did not really bothered me .  I was very busy establishing a career then. Also  I had lived then in rented apartment and rented house  built with strong materials that I hardly would know if it was storming or not once the windows and doors were closed. In other words, these dwelling places were sort of sound proof where I would not even hear even a pin drop on the floor.

However, it had been a different story after I bought  a weather board house to live in it.  It was like waking up from a dream to face the reality that storms loom around the corner and without any warning, they just comes when you least expect it.

As I am more of a romanticist, I always see something beautiful not only in trivial and simple things, but also amid a storm.

That's why as soon as the first drop of rain falls, for example, I often rush to the extension of my house where the roof was made of Stratco over which the sound of the rain was like music in my ear. 

Yes, I have always loved rain since  I was a kid.  Somehow,  I am inclined to think that there is a mysterious romance between the sky and the clouds expressed in the  melodious and harmonious melody as the raindrops falls from heaven to water the earth and cause all flowers to bloom, the trees to flourish and every living thing God created to rejoice.

For over two decades that I had lived in Australia, the winter, spring, summer and autumn rains have always brought feelings of joy in my heart and gratitude to God because I had never found myself walking on flood waters.

When I experienced, however, towards the late months of 2011, flooding for four times in my house extension which kept me bucketing out the flood waters till 2 am and  then saw on TV in the early morning news the damage and havoc brought about by these storms,  I  always become frightened whenever rain begins to fall and thunder roars.  I told to myself 'Not again, Lord!  I no longer live in Manila where the slightest rain floods the streets. I now live in this part of Sydney where there had been no reported case of flooding.

No, never until I had this house extension built, the reason being as a result of  the extensive concreting I did in my backyard.  The tradie asked me “Where would you like the water go?”

As bucketing out water from the extension is not in my agenda, as soon as I heard the rain falls or the thunder roars during  a storm forecast, I pray to God as I pray every single day and night to save my Mum and I from flooding.

8 November 2012, it rained.  I went to the extension to listen to it--sadly not to listen to its music but to be aware how big the rains would be.  The drops were not small, but big.  Oh my! I was sure it was hailing.  Funny, however, when I looked through the glass door, I could not see any hail in my courtyard.  I continuously listened to the frightening sound of the hail as they hit my Stratco roof.  I prayed without ceasing to God not to allow the roof to cave in just like it did in one house I saw on TV after a weird storm.

After awhile, the hailing stopped.  I looked out of the window to see how my front yard was.  I saw no hail except the purple blooms in my lawn---much brighter and fresher. WoW!  Thank you Lord!

When I face booked that day I saw a post of a friend who lived just nearby a picture of her yard filled with big hailstones.  Oh my!   Once more, I thank God for His deliverance.

N.B.  If you'd ask me if I still love rain, the answer is a triple YESes.

Autumnal Reflections

I orignally came from a country which only have two seasons--the wet and the dry seasons. That's why I did  not have any idea what autumn was like then. I had a romantic notion, however, of the season based on the song Autumn Leaves as sung by Nat King Cole, one of  my big sisters' favourite artists.....

the autumn leaves drift by the window, the autumn leaves of red and gold   I see your lips the summer kisses   the sunburnt hands I used to hold...                    

The song goes further to say ...                             

Since you went away the sun grows cold and soon I hear old winter song  but I miss you most of all my darling when autumn leaves start to fall .

As young as I was then when I listened to this song on our phonograph, I had associated Autumn with sadness and parting.  As I am in general a melancholic person, the song appealed so much to my emotion that sometimes I could vicariously felt the sadness of the artist who composed this song. Other times, I could also cry jsut listening to this song even if I had not techically been broken hearted then.  

When I studied biology, the romance I associated with autumn acquired a scientific twist in it.  In the plant physiological aspect of our studies in my botany subjects, the lecturer told us the chemical changes of how the green leaves of a deciduous plant gradually changed their colour to red, gold, and then brown.  I said silently to myself then,  oh, WoW!
                

When I went to Japan for a scholarship, I stayed in the country to see a bit of Autumn.   I was amazed to see the red and gold leaves and even more  amazed, as I watched each leaf  fall to the ground--- until underneath the trees was an ocean of autumn leaves.  The chill of the season and and the autumnal breeze added to the deepening emotion I felt within me.  Yes, in the seasons of life, Autumn always comes to give colours and at the same time joys and tears in my life.



Yes, I had spent hours and hours just absorbing the beauty of the autumn leaves and sometimes wished then I had special someone to add meaning to Autumn in my life.  There was no one then, and I thought to myself it was okay.  Why? because in a few days, I would be going back to my country where I would only be experiencing two seasons: technically the wet wet and the dry wet.  Ah...I would be coming home to rain rain and more rain.  I told myself  I also  love rain, anyway...  but not the flooding rains....  that slowed me down in  achieving the goals and target performances I set to do each day, each week and each month that pass by.                                                                                                                                                                                                                And then I migrated to Australia.  WoW! I thought I would now be in a country where there are four seasons: winter, spring, summer and autumn.

I told myself  I could now appropriately and applicably and meaningfully sing the song Autumn Leaves, so to speak.  Then, was just like an illusion because Autumn per se was far from reality  in  my life. I only knew then summer.  And as I had said earlier--summer wet and summer dry.  When I bought a house in Sydney, I  needed not go elsewhere to admire the beauty of autumn leaves because they were just before my eyes.  In my backyard then was a huge Canadian maple tree which shed ten thousands of beautiful coloured leaves when Autumn comes.  I intentionally did not rake the leaves then because I wanted to have a picture of myself in an ocean of autumn leaves.  I did have one eventually (I could not find it though at the moment to post here).  I lost this tree, however, when its primary root was accidentally hit by the man I asked to do some digging in my yard. I was dismayed a bit because I would not have ever (!) an ocean of autumn leaves in my yard. As I stay in the house most of the time now, I barely could appreciate Autumn when it comes.  I wish I could go to the mountains during the season so I could see more of it.  Nevertheless, I finally realised Autumn is very much present in my life (with or without the ocean of autumn leaves)---its romance, the colours associated with it as well as the joys and tears.

The photos here were taken a few days when Winter had officially begun.  I was happy Brett drove me to  still see a glimpse of Autumn though as shown in these pictures. By the same token, I was happy to have this souvenir photo of me --Autumn 2012.  Thanks to Brett!!!

 

I love food

When I was younger and healthier, I could practically eat all day.  I loved to binge particularly in front of TV. As embarrassing as it may seem, there was even a time when I  had to go to my doctor who told me to stop overeating and  give my stomach a rest.  I never went to the doctor since then, not until after a decade.  As I ate too much after one family celebration, I felt so sick that instead of going home, my family  had to  drive me to the hospital.  Funny,  as the nurse was taking my details, she looked up  surprised when I told her my date of birth, . Yes, it was my birthday that day and I was being admitted in the emergency. Oh, poor thing!!!  I stayed in the hospital overnight with the doctor saying the same thing before I was discharged. 

Yeah, I loved food so much then that I embarrassed myself or even make a fool of myself whenever I asked what's to eat in the next meal after having just eaten a big meal .   My mother usually would just laugh this off by saying for example,"you just had breakfast, and you were thinking of lunch already.'' Yeah, lunch was like hours away and with a full tummy, how could I think of food again. I never thought the same situation would arise after many decades.  It was only then I realised I had not outgrown this demeanour which must have been deep-seated in my brain.  Brett said the same thing when I asked what's for lunch after we jsut had breakfast at a cafe one time.

The good thing however, as enthusiastic as I am about eating,  I do  not put on weight too much because I eat in small amounts different types of foods--cakes, chocolates, biscuits, nuts and whatever there is to eat in the fridge.

Since the day I became hypertensive and now diabetic, however, I dramatically change my eating habits and the sorts of foods I eat.  I control my appetite and discipline myself.  Top maneouvre? I  resolve to eat at home and eat out less.  I believe the best place to have healthy food is at home.  It is only at home where I could be sure what I am technically eating. That is, as I cook the food myself, I know that my food has no salt nor saturated fats or anything that will harm me or aggravate my medical conditions.   Needless to say I know that I use good and fresh food commodities in my dishes.

Except for my blood pressure tablets, I have been determined not to take any more tablets so I tried to manage my diabetes by changing my lifestyle and appetite for food.  I adopted a  strict food and eating time regime to the extent that I starve myself just to let my blood sugar go down before I would take any food again. For the past four years or so, I'd say I have been doing well.

Honestly however, I feel like life is going to be boring, as bad cook as I am,  if I will just consume healthy food I cook at home day in and day out . That's why I always look forward to all the family celebrations or gatherings.  I always think to myself--at least I would be able to overeat, without necessarily getting anxious about salt or saturated fats. Besides, the vegetarian spring rolls I always make on these occassions, I could feast on a range of dishes cooked by my three sisters and also by Brett.  Í thought for awhile, it would be okay to forget that I am diabetic.The following shows pictures of the dishes I usually feast on during our family gatherings

This is called kare kare.  This is my sister Cynthia's expertise. I eat most of the vegetables in this dish and only a small portion of meat. It also includes tripe which I don't really like to eat.  The sauce is very nice.  I don't know how to cook this and I never bother to ask Cyn how.  However, when I was talking to my brother Nimrod over the phone, he told me this is very easy to cook.  He told me just put peanut butter. 

Merle, usually cooks a range of dishes from different parts of the globe. The following are some of the dishes she usually brings to the party.  On the right is a meat dish called embutido which I suppose must require heaps of efforts to prepare and cook. But for Merle, I think making this dish is like eating peanut.  Even if there is no occasion, she sometimes sends me a number of these, some to eat right away and few ones to freeze.

On the left is baked salmon. This is my favourite food.  I love this because of its omega three fatty acid that will reduce my risk of having a cardiovascular disease now that I am diabetic. 
I regularly eat this twice a week. I need not exert too much effort cooking it. I just put it in a pan with a little bit of olive oil and it cooks on its own oil eventually.  I eat it with tomatoes, carrots, onions and green mustard.  (Now that guava is abundant in my garden, I also eat it with guava sauce.  Yum...yum

e On the right is another of Cynthia's culinary expertise--palabok.  I like eating this too.  But it's only during family parties that I am able to eat this because I do not really bother to learn how to cook it.  At one stage when family parties were still faraway, I felt like eating palabok.  As I did not pack lunch that time during one of my on-site interpreting assignments, I walked in one of the Filipino eateries in Blacktown and ordered this.  After I ate it, I told myself never to do it again as it was so salty and hence unhealthy.

This lot is my masterpiece, vegetarian spring rolls.  I always have fun wrapping the vegetarian filling as I always do it to near perfect symmetry.  I usually dip it however, not in the sauce pictured here, but in garlic vinegar with some chillies. Recently, I made small spring rolls with spinach and light ricotta cheese filling. I made it smaller as I really felt like putting the ricotta cheese was sort of unhealthy for all of us who have become food healthy freaks now.  I think I did fine, though.  My relatives said it was yummy.

 On the right is  one salad Brett usually makes for our family.  I had asked him to make for us his famous chicken wing dish, but he told me it it too unhealthy for us. So he usually makes us healthy salads which all of us like--most of us left in a state of wondering what's in the salad's yummy dressing.

(I do  not have the picture of the noodles my sister Daisy cooks because almost always I finish eating it before I remember taking its picture. Daisy usually brings me Singaporean or Hokien noodles she cooks at home)

Needless to say I have not cease to  like eating out every now and then either with members of the Blanco Family where I belong or with Brett.

My culinary desires are not so complicated.  I usually want to go to buffet with the Blancos, particularly because I want to taste test a string of desserts.  With Brett, I usually go to yum cha, Michel's Patissiere, the Coffe Club and nearby Lucies Cafe for breakfast and also McDonalds .  Alone I usually go to McDonalds of course and Subway.

Except for coffee and cake, or breakfast,  I have never gone out to eat out for ages.  Last Saturday, however, Brett took me to yum cha.  Hmm...    Brett and I practically had yum cha almost every weekend for many consecutive years that I thought my tummy was crying out then not again!!!.  As it has been like really ages that I have not had yum cha, I knew I was  going to enjoy the different dimsums and dumplings, not to mention the dessert (a coconut cake with red mungbeans) which I forgot to photograph as keen as I was to already have a taste of it. 

This is one of the beef wraps.  I don't really know what it's called.  Brett always takes charge of ordering.  He practically almost always get those steamed dimsums or dumplings.  He said deep fried foods are not good for me.  I was not able to take photos of all the foods we ate as Brett did  not really approve of me doing this.

Overall, I had enjoyed yum cha and that Saturday.  However, I told Brett I was not going to have that dessert again.  Brett asked why.  It was tasty and sweet but the serving was too large and he did not help me eat it....

I look forward to enjoying myself and satisfying my taste buds day after day.  Eating for me is also like an adventure.  I do not technically say no to any food, particularly if doing this would mean offending the host or the person offerring it. When I was holding a Bible sharing sessions in the slum area while I was in the Philippines, the owner of the house where we held it almost always offered me the biggest bowl of  champorado (sticky rice boiled and cooked with cocoa powder and sugar).  I believe she did this then to please me-- I,being the Bible sharing leader.  I was not a big fan of this food, though.  However, so as to satisfy my hostess, I ate it nevertheless to last bit of it.

I think there's nothing wrong in loving food.  God created all things for us to enjoy.  I remember what my young pastor friend said in the past as we were eating one after another penoy or balut (which technically are duck eggs) as a treat from the senior pastor whom we helped in a Christian summer camp to minister to young people.  In this treat we were allowed to eat as many of these two types of eggs we could take in. After my young pastor friend had the sixth egg, he announced he would stop eating.   He said if he ate a seventh egg, then that would be gluttony.  I could not remember how many eggs I ate then, probably four or five. .. but what he said was stuck deep down in the front lobe of my brain.

That announcement  from that young pastor spelled to me  a proper view of food and eating.  There is nothing wrong to love food and eat.  What is sin is to let food control us and consequently commit the sin of  gluttony.

Having absorbed this principle, I could confidently say I eat to live and at the same time enjoy a range of dessert after dessert (ie occassionally!!!)


As a postcript, I also uploaded this beautiful coffee which Brett bought for me when I was feeling down because my mother was in the hospital.  As low as my spirit was that time, I automatically took my phone to take a snapshot of it.  I knew Brett asked the girl to make this beautiful coffee to cheer me up.

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Sa Ating Daigdig

Wala sa panaginip, hindi sa kathang isip o sa alapaap maaaring maganap ang mga pangarap na ating hanap kundi sa'ting paligid sa ating daigdig...

I like this song.  Not because it was composed by a friend, but because I like its lyrics.  Every time I listened to it then, I felt like its message was hitting me to the bone.  I have liked to daydream, to articulate my thoughts creatively on a paper and to skygaze even when I was a kid.  I thank God however, it did not take me too long to realise this truth--dreams are conceived in the head but are realised through actions.  That is I need to act on a dream using at its maximum all my faculties and my senses and all the best possible resources at hand to see it come true. 

At another plane, I could not just lock myself up in the laboratory if I want to count in one's life and vice versa.  I need to go out and explore the world where I live, interact not only with the experimental organisms  I work on but also with my fellow human beings. 

The results indeed continue to amaze me.  In the video above, I included pictures of me taken in the 2000s. I used the song Sa Ating Daigdig (In our World) as music background to remember facets of my life,   As the song says,  it's not in our dreams, not in our literary endeavours nor in the clouds (technically not in our brain) that we can find realisation of our dreams but in our physical world which naturally understandable as we are still flesh and bones.

I have found out that as I go and explore places, and interact with people around me, my outlook in life broadens and I am challenged to pursue higher endeavours and achieve more even in my mature years rather than jsut stay in my own shell. The process maybe slow and painstaking.  However, it is only by taking risks that I am able to produce outcomes, positive ones that reinforce.me and negative ones that teach me.

As I continue to learn  and explore the world around me and the opportunities it offers me, I feel  like mining precious gems. I form relationships, some of which are wholesome and few that are hurtful, by the same token however, I consider these all  more precious than gold, ie,  as they sharpen me as a person. I learn values that have eternal bearing.  I make use of my natural and God-given gifts, which through God's sustaining grace and my best energies enable me to  achieve beyond what I am able to think or imagine.

Yes, in this world, there are no "kamaligs" but heaps of gold (not the gold bars which I have in my safe (oops! in the banks I should say), but rather opportunities to demonstrate that the love of God is in me, to do good to others and most of all to love myself, warts and all.  And I know that as my life will draw to a close one day, I am hopeful that all of my efforts  and labour when put to the test of fire , in the end, will come out as gold.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

I have many wishes in my heart, many of which have not been realised up to this day.  Disney World nor Disneyland, however, was not one of them.  I have far more serious wishes in life---most often,  not for myself but for all people I love. Call this melodrama, but it is true.  I treasure all the people I love, that is, the Blanco Family and my nephews and my nieces.  I laugh when they laugh. I cry when they cry. I hurt when they hurt.  If something's goes wrong in anyone of them, it affects me tremendously that I always feel like I am going to die before anyone of them.  These people are the only family I have and I connect with them deeply.  They are my home and I always feel comfortable and relax with them.

God, in His sovereignty, however, knows best.  I think perhaps He thought then that I took  life so seriously,  so He gave me a something I had not even thought of-- Disney World.  WoW!

Even if I might have the money then (as I am a great saver!)  to go here on my own, I would not probably opt to spend my savings on this, anyway.  So He gave me a scholarship which could pay for my visit here and still not hurt the bank balance.

I was already in Gainsville, Florida, USA that summer of 1984.  My! As bad as my geography, I thought  Orlando was technically like a stone's throw away.  So I thought I would be foolish not to consider going to Disney World.

At the end of the orientation given by our Course Coordinator on day 1, he asked all of us whether we had any questions.  My co trainees threw all those questions directed to make an impression.  When I asked mine, our Course Coordinator nearly fell flat on the floor.  What was the question I asked?  Plain and simple--how do I go to Disney World?

Hmm... did I make a fool of myself? I knew very well I did not go to Florida to see Mickey Mouse or Donald Duck.  My government sent me here on a red passport  to learn how to use ionizing radiation and radioistopes in scientific research...  

Our old and bearded Course Coordinator was accomodating, though.  After all, I was a young lady as he always referred me throughout the entire duration of the course when he spoke of me to his colleagues.

With a little bit of help from his secretary I made it to  Disney World at some stage.  To be fair to my government and also to myself I carried  with me our main textbook in the training course so I could read in between the rides and showcases as I queued up for these.

Even if at the back of my head, I like to celebrate with Donald Duck who I think was celebrating his 51st or something that time, my priority was to learn as much about radiation and radioisotopes and go back to my country ten thousand times smarter.

Truly, I thank God for this episode in my life, that is, being in Disney World.  I could been happier however if my little nieces Abigail and JA,  were with me.

Praise God You're Back Home, Mum

Yes, I praise God Mum's came back home.I wanted to see her smile when she sees our new kitchen, just like she did then when the extension of my house was finished


Mum in the hospital was most of the time drowsy. At home now in one of her good moments




Mum in her sleepy 'moments'. The doctors became concerned about her sleepy-awake cycle and had been trying to figure out what could have been causing the drowsiness, even wanting to do a lumbar puncture to get CSF which I told them however,we all do not consent.

I was cutting out the letters Praise God and Mum while waiting for the ambulance that would brought my Mum back home from the hospital. I was anxious and at the same time afraid not being able to look after her well this time. Mum has been in and out of the hospital before. On the day she was discharged my siblings usually transported her back to my house and I could see Mum climbing up the four steps in the balcony of my house with her happy smile. This time I could envision it would be radically different. She would be coming home by the ambulance. I asked to myself how sick could she be? The doctor rang me telling me she was more responsive than when she first came in plus all the details of what's wrong with her in medical terms.

The social worker had earlier called me also telling me that my mother has serious medical conditions. She asked me if I would be able to look after her at home. I confidently said I would be able to manage. She thought otherwise. She said how could I do on my own what four people do in the hospital to care for her. She suggested I put Mum in a Nursing Home. I reacted strongly and told her this would be like giving her death sentence. I further said the reason Mum is still alive despite her various medical conditions was because of us who are always around her. I told her the truth of the matter is --she still wants to live up to a hundred years old.

The Occupational Therapist later spoke to me also asking about my home. I told her that I've done in the long run all the renovations that would suit an elderly person like my mother. She asked me to come to the hospital so we could talk in person and to see how Mum was doing so I would have an idea how she was in terms of mobility. I told her I would not be able to come as I have to finish the renovations going on in my house. She asked me which was more important-- the renovations or my mother. I plainly said she could talk to my sisters. If my sisters think they would manage to look after her at home, so would I. I further told her I could not have my Mum come back home with the massive clouds of dust everywhere--not with the aspiration pneumonia she was diagnosed on day one and then etc etc as-- she stayed day by day for a total of 23 days in the hospital.

After two days of cleaning till late at night and falling asleep in between, I was a bit ready. I 've cleaned the lounge, the kitchen and dining the hallway going to the room that has two single beds where Mum and I sleep. Mum rarely go to the other two bedrooms anyway and would not definitely be ready to go to the extension.

I had been watching by the window since morning, fell asleep in between for Mum's coming home. As I saw the ambulance pulling over about 3pm, I came out with a cardigan to put over her. It was a bit chilly and had been raining throughout the day except during this moment. I thought God must have withhold the rain to stop for a while because Mum was to be carried to my doorstep.

My heart was not in place as I saw Mum. She definitely was weak as she was carried by two paramedics in a wheel chair. Art, my brother was in the ambulance with her. Cyn and her husband Rene would come later.

Mum smiled when she saw me. I asked her if she was happy to be back home. She said she was. When my siblings left, as broken record as I am I asked her again if she was happy to be back home. She said yes. I asked if she had liked it there in the hospital. She said she did. Why? because my siblings were there all the time and she had a 24h nurse attending to her plus the nurses on different shifts.(I made it like four times out of 23 days to the hospital--as it would take me some six hours by public transport back and forth and as I was already in the middle of house renovation when she had to go to the hospital by ambulance while eating out in a restaurant with Daisy and her fiance).

I asked where she preferred to stay though. She said both. I was shocked and commented if she meant it did not really matter whether she was now home or in the hospital. I asked if she did not like our home this time with the some walls knocked down to give her ample space to move around. She said she liked it certainly.

As light as our conversation, I know it's going to be tough as Mum is not 100% as she used to be as the Health Care Providers put it. However, I know if God is willing and she herself is willing, she would be able to improve her mobility as she did after the her heart failure.

All I could do is to trust God and do all those exercises which Brett and Merle taught me to strengthen my back.

Lilyland

On 5 February 2012, I got a text from Brett where he said towards the end, "Hope all is well in Lilianland." Instantly I recalled to my mind Michael Jackson's Neverland. Considering the wealth of a superstar like him, I thought I could not really make my property sound so spectacular. Nevertheless, I thought it was not a bad idea to have a name for my property for ease in referring to it in my journalling. I thought at the first instance Littleland was an appropriate name rather than Lilianland. Why?Firstly because I am fondly called Little by my sister Cynthia and secondly... although my property is a little bigger than an average block of new properties, my property is far from an acreage. I replied to Brett's text, I said maybe Lilyland, rather than Littleland, is better. Lilyland is smoother and easier in the tongue and sweeter in the ear.

I have considerably written about my house in my journal from the time I bought it in 1999. After a decade, however, I would consider this property, not just a house and garden per se. Prior to acquiring it, I had practically been moving house every six months since I came to Australia. Hence, as I rode the the train to uni every single day, I never stopped praying for a white timber house because being single it was logically quite impossible for me to own a brick house.

The tenth of August 1999, God gave my heart's desire. I officially owned a house in a suburb in Sydney. Amazingly, I paid it in cash. WoW! Never in the world would I imagine to be able to buy a house and pay it in full on day 1---after working full time in less than two years. What could I say? Thank you, thank you, God!

The property was a three bedroom house with landscaped gardens. I was not thinking of developing or extending the house for at least 8 years that I have lived in it. I had no need for an extension. I'd say however that my parents and I had done considerable gardening from day one.

Since I left my science research job to look after my mother and eventually took on-call interpreting assignments, I must have subconsciously processing some data in my brain about aging and retiring during the course of interpreting for elderly patients in the hospital.

Consequently, after my mother had a heart failure in 2009, not to mention the myriads of medical conditions she has, I geared all building projects in my property towards providing my mother a home--technically a nursing home where I am the Director of Nursing,Deputy Director of Nursing, RN, EN, AIN, Cook, Cleaner, Gardener etc.

The sort of house I got is just perfectly suitable for it--a single detached with four steps both in the front and back of the house which, for sure, would serve the purpose both for exercise and rehabilitation.

As my mother has a decreasing mobility year after year not only due to ageing but also to foot problem related to diabetes, I thought it most important to expand the area where she could walk to keep her mobility for as long as it could be done. Hence, I extended the back of the house. In addition, I had a paved courtyard built to provide for her a safe and comfy place to sit and catch a dose of Vitamin D which needless to say, would be of great help in preventing a fall. I also had an elevated stretch of driveway which has a single step to further help her heart during her morning walk in the backyard.

In addition to having a second bathroom in the extension, I also recently got rid of the bath tub in the bathroom. I also installed hand rails on both bathrooms for safety reasons. Both bathrooms have an easy wheel chair access. I'm soon going to demolish the old kitchen and install a new one. The main idea is to have free access to every room in the house, so my mother can also walk around the house should she opted not to go to the extension.

After the kitchen is finished, I would be able to bring inside my 9 piece dining suite currently placed in the extension. Doing this would promote pleasant social interactions and fellowship amongst us when my siblings come and visit. This willin the end, not only give joy to our mother's heart, but also a lift her spirit seeing all of us together like in the olden days.

When I sit down to have a break from the many roles I play in my mother's nursing home, I could not help but marvel on the improvements I had done and give glory to Him who is the Master Architect behind all these.

Lilyland... such a sweet name as I mused...Indeed it is not just a house and a garden, but a home. Yes,it is a home for my mother. It is also a haven of rest for me, a place where I could spend the bliss of solitude. Eventually, I know it is also going to be a home for me and all the people I love in the end.

Most of all, Lilyland, is God's gift to me. Thank You, Father.

What? Me a Tomato Farmer?

I am inclined to believe I am !(laughing out loud!)as small as my area for growing vegetables and tomatoes after I paved most of my backyard. Why, because I have heaps of tomatoes.

After the rain, I went out to the garden this morning to pick tomatoes. This is like my routine every day. It is like I am going to the vegetable shop for fresh produce. As I go inside the house, my basket is filled with zucchini flowers, mustard green, spinach, spinach and spinach (I have 3 types of spinach growing like weeds in the garden).

I did not have zucchini flowers today, however. But I have heaps of tomatoes. I sorted and put the tomatoes in containers for both refrigeration and freezing. WoW! I can't believe I had these many tomatoes.

All I am aiming is to achieve self-sufficiency, ie for example to have tomatoes till next season begins. I had achieved this for the past few years and usually I still have few tomatoes in my freezer from the previous season even before the next season starts. Isn't this amazing? I'd say YES! YES! YES!

The season is not even finish yet and I still have more tomatoes out in the garden, Sad to say my fridge and even my freezer have no more room for even one container of tomatoes(Ooops! quite an exaggeration because my sister supplied me last night 1 liter of Cadbury yummy ice cream. She knows I don't buy ice cream because I don't like to tempt myself and in the process raise my blood sugar up. Sad to say once more (really?), she usually puts ice cream in my fridge so she'll have some fun when she visits me and my mother.

I toyed in my mind the idea probably I could even start selling tomatoes. Haha! I laughed out loud--really loud! I have no ambitions along this line! I remembered what my father told me then when I first bought my house. He said, "with your spacious backyard you might even be able to supply your whole clan from your produce.." I chuckled and at the same time dismissed that idea then..I am cut out to do finer things--microdissections, drawing, crocheting, embroidery...and also piano playing (as bad as a player I am!)

Today, it seems to be a different story. I have in fact given my two sisters few containers of tomatoes plus the spinach, spinach and spinach.

As I continued sorting out the tomatoes. I just couldn't stop laughing...

As I did not even put stakes on my tomato plants,these just grow wildly in the garden that my new safety boots are complaining for scarcity of clear pathways. Further as everything (spinach, garlic etc) seems to grow in the same spots everywhere, I tend miss picking few ripe tomatoes that they consequently just fall off to the ground. By the time I see them, I thought their seeds are probably almost ready to germinate and advance to two leaf stage and higher leaf stages and voila.. more and more tomatoes. Yay!

Other times, I accidentally step on few tomatoes even before they ripen. Ouch! as I hear the crunch and see the poor thing oozing some juice spilling their seeds on the ground. Immediately I always console and say to myself, it's okay... you have heaps...

With the weird weather of rain, rain, rain and then sun, sun, sun these days, I am indeed a happy hobby tomato farmer!Yay!

2012...will I be seeing ghosts?

My sisters and I with Nimrod on a skyped conferencing




We made a banner to wish my brother Rommel to get well soon.




Us before a table full of festive food



New Year! Will I Be Seeing Ghosts? This was one entry in my journal over two decades ago. There was nothing unusual having asked such a question. I was young—not certain of whether I was in the right place, doing the right thing at the right time. I had a good job and establishing a career and yet I felt something was still wrong.


2012. I did not wonder whether I would be seeing ghosts. I think I have reached the stage of my life where I have learned to live one day at a time and technically by the grace of God,not worry about tomorrow. By the same token, I have also strived to live today the best way I possibly can. I have always recalled to my mind what I memorised when I was a youth...Today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of home.


Few days before 2012 came, I got a bad news from the USA. My brother, Rommel was in the ICU. The week before, I also got a call from my other brother, Nimrod, asking me and the rest of the family to pray for his vision. The doctors at the Eye Centre diagnosed him with Macular Degeneration.


Merle, my sister asked then, if we would have a New Year’s Celebration? I was not the only one who would decide, we are a family. New Year’s Eve of 2009, my father was in admitted in the Cardiac Unit of Blacktown Hospital. We did not celebrate that New Year, but only did, when we knew he was out of danger (Five months later though, we lost him because he had a massive cardiac arrest).


Surprised bombshells, so to speak, are not new to us. We are accustomed to them. By the grace of God, we managed not be totally caught off guard. Over the years, we, as Christians, have learned to accept and also considered it joy when we have these trials, problems, or challenges in our life as family. As grievous as these are at the present time, these have taught us through the years to love, care and bear each other’s burdens.


We did have a New Year's celebration. Before us was a table full of festive foods and colours were everywhere around us and in us. This time, however, our top priority for gathering was to have a special praying time for our brothers who are sick. It was good the occassion was rather exclusively for our family. We also skyped Nimrod.


At the time of writing, Rommel is back home. Thank God! Nimrod's diagnosis at the first instance was erroneous, but still needs to be regularly checked. The last time we spoke to him on the phone, he said the dimming of his vision seemed not be deteriorating any further. Praise the Lord!


What does 2012 holds for me or for the members of the family I have always belonged to? I would not have any clue. There may be prospective, unforseen, expected ghosts that may pull me or all of us down to the waters as a family. Just like Peter, however, each of us just have to cry out, “Lord, save me...”And Jesus will always be there to come to our rescue. He will always there to pull as out of the waters when we fix our gaze away from Him. What a Saviour! He promised to be there with us always—even to the end of this age.